I'm a bad, bad Blogger!

I know, I know, I've been neglectful. I know there are certain people who dutifully check my blog every day only to be disappointed by my lack of postings...K.S. you know I'm talking about you!!

The truth is two-fold, so here it is.

1) I haven't really had a whole lot to say. Well no, that's not entirely true. What I really mean is that I haven't had a whole lot that I wanted to put out there for the world to see. There's lots going on inside my head these days like, why am I not pregnant again yet? How come there are pregnant women all around me (that doesn't mean I'm not over the moon thrilled for those of you who are!) but I'm not? And how come if I'm not pregnant, I haven't lost those 10 lbs I swore would be gone by now?? I mean seriously, what are my excuses? All I do all day long is sit on my butt in front of a computer screen. As if I can't find 40 minutes in a day to do some cardio! I keep telling myself that this is going to be the week where I actually get going and go for a walk every day at lunch - but then I get to Friday and realize that it hasn't happened. Where did my resolve go??? I need to nominate someone to be my exercise drill Sargent. Anyone up for the job? Someone to yell at me every day and make me do something?? Anyone, anyone? Buller?

2) Facebook. Yes, that's right, I said it -- and I'll say it again! I LOVE FACEBOOK! Not like I love my husband or I love my son love - but in this really creepy, addictive and scary way I love it! I've found out information about people that I haven't talked to in years and it's very satisfying to know that I look pretty freakin' good compared to some of those people!! I know that's shallow and vain but, well, come on! Who doesn't want to show up at some reunion (be it their 10 yr High School or Uni / College) and walk out at the end of the night knowing that they aren't the one everyone is going to go home saying "holy shit, the years have not been good to..." Come on, you know it! You and I both know full well that if you had a reunion in a mth you'd be starving yourself like crazy trying to squeeze into the skinniest outfit you could. God, we're twisted!!

So, there you have it. My excuses are avoidance and avoidance. I'm starting to feel a little bit less awestruck by Facebook these days though. I don't have the same opportunities to post on there as I do here so don't worry, I'll be back. I will begin to post more regularly - and hopefully, if the fates work as I think they should - I will very soon be posting about being barfy and bloated and wondering again why I thought getting pregnant was such a good idea!

You can still visit me on Facebook if you'd like to see more pictures!!

Three is so much better than two...

I just had a crazy realization. Less than two months ago I felt like each day took an eternity to pass. I felt like it would take 10 years for Spring to arrive and for me to forget everything that happened. Don't get me wrong, I've forgotten nothing and I still have the odd emotional moment when I think about the fact that I would have had a nice protruding belly by now - but holy shit, I just realized that March is half over and next month, the long weekends start again!

I love long weekends. I hate the traffic that is involved with them but I love, love, LOVE that extra day to putz around my house. To go on a trip somewhere and not feel like we really only have 2 hours to spend there before we have to turn around and get ready for the week ahead. I want to make big plans this year for our long weekends - especially the May and July ones. Although I love them, we never really do anything special. Now that we have the little man, travelling in bumper to bumper traffic isn't really our idea of fun and getting out of Dodge while everyone else is doing it doesn't really make any sense to me.

So, I think we'll plan to celebrate our backyard on the 2 best long weekends of the year. I'm already starting to plan my gardens and think about the pretty blooms that will frame the corners of my backyard this summer. I will make the trek to the Peterborough Farmer's market this May and get my flats upon flats of flowers so that I can feel that satisfaction of making something look so esthetically pleasing that even I as a Libra will be able to relax and enjoy some solitude in my favourite Muskoka chair.

Seriously, is it April yet??

What a day it was...

I remember my first Valentine's Day - I mean the first one that really "meant" something - the first one avec un beau. You know, the cheap chocolates that leave that really gross, oily residue in your mouth, the roses (probably purchased from the grocery store) that were expected to live forever but never survived for one minute longer than midnight on the "big" day. Oh, and who could forget the clumsy make-out session that followed the bestowing of the gifts. Ya, that was great (please note the absolute sarcasm here!!) In retrospect, it was a lot more action than what this house saw on Wednesday night!

You know, I know that we've just been through a lot of emotional stuff and me, quite a bit on the physical end too, but really, is it too much to ask for a little action on Valentine's Day?? We got off to a great start - the man picked me up at work with a cookie and non-fat hot chocolate in hand (I know, I know, what's the point of the non-fat when he had them smother it with whip cream and Belgian chocolate chunks?) We had wonderful - and very promising I might add - conversations on the way home. With the hopes of a great evening on the rise - maybe get the kid down early so we could share a bottle of wine, maybe have a bubble bath together...the possibilities were endless. Ho much of this actually happened you ask? None, notta, niente - not on this day, oh no!

The small one, would not, did not want to go to sleep. We tried bribing, oh yes we did. We read stories, we even let him take a bottle to bed (gasp, shock, horror - I know!) Finally, I curled up with him on his ittsy, bittsy, teensy, weensy car bed and the husband lay down on the nice comfortable chaise lounge in his room and we all finally fell asleep - in the kid's room. When I woke up at 12:30 am, all I could do was shake my head as I painfully brought my body to an upright position. The one day that a girl can usually count on getting laid was gone and I had done none of the laying that I had actually intended to do.

So backing up just a bit, I told the husband not to get me flowers on this Hallmark inspired holiday as I didn't want him to spend inflated dollars on flowers that I knew would not survive for more than 48 hours at best. He also knows that I'm not really into the chocolate thing - especially now that I'm fighting against 10 pds every day. I don't need a card written by someone else to tell me how much he loves me - I know that he does and he tells me every day. However, I'm not going to lie to you, I was (as if you can't tell!) very disappointed this year. I never thought I'd say that - I can't even tell you how many times I've used an excuse similar to the "Not tonight dear, I've got a headache" in the last two years. Usually, I'm just too freakin' tired to do anything except give him a quick peck on the cheek and say I love you. Usually. This year I was all pumped. I was looking for romance and special attention. I usually get it - not just on this day, but especially on this day - you know??

If you'll excuse me, I think I have to go stand in front of the Leaf's game naked so that I can have a second chance at Feb 14!!

Uh oh - a new distraction...

OK, so here I am, minding my own business going about my life thinking that things are OK. I'm starting to really get back into my blog and enjoying it again when all of a sudden, wham mo!! I got hit with Facebook!

Have you heard of this new, ridiculous distraction? If you haven't you should check it out www.facebook.com It's this crazy network of everyone and anyone (OK, mostly under the age of 30, but I know for a fact that there are at least 5 people out there who are 30+ and lovin' it!) An old friend from High School asked me to join and I, not knowing what I was in for naively joined. Well, let me tell you (and please don't tell my boss this,) but it's quite a distraction. It actually caused quite a commotion at my office today where we were all buzzing about this new phenomenon. It was like someone there had discovered the Internet all over again.

The scary part is, is I think I like it. It's like spying on everyone that you've ever come into contact with (if they're on of course) because you can see photos of them and find out whether or not they're married or single, happy or disgruntled it's CRAZY! You can also invite people to join if you chose by simply entering their email address.

On a positive note, it's given me something new and exciting to focus on which is helping me to feel way better this week. Yeah facebook! Check me out if you stop by - I've put a whole bunch of pictures up there already - of course only the ones where I look really good have made the cut!

Who knew going back would be so hard

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is the day that I have to face the music and tote my sorry ass into the office that a week ago I didn't think I'd ever be able to face again. Tomorrow I will have to deal with a whole lot of people coming up to me and saying "I'm so sorry - how are you feeling?" Now, some of them honestly and truly want to know the answer - as a matter of fact almost all of them do. However, we all know that no one wants to hear the truth, no one wants to know that I feel crappy, I'm still really crampy and that I feel like I'm an emotional time bomb just waiting for someone to enter that code that will set my countdown in motion.

There are a couple of pregnant women in my office right now - who I love and adore and am so happy for, but I know they're going to be funny with me and I know that I'm going to look at their beautiful bellies and feel the ugly green monster come to life. I've never wanted to get my period so bad in my whole entire life!

In the last week and a half, I've cleaned my house regularly (something that actually felt really good since I've been avoiding doing just about everything and anything domestic since getting pregnant.) I've done laundry, I've done groceries, I've hung out with my kid tons (which was really the absolute best medicine any doctor could have prescribed for me - well, other than morphine, that would have been really good too!) I even went to a couple of yoga classes - all things that made me feel better, but yet in my head I still feel like I always do on a Sunday night. Like there just hasn't been enough time and that I haven't accomplished anything that I should have. How easily it all comes back.

So, now that I've been all complainy and sad - aka Depressing Mama, let me tell you that physically I feel great. I'm feeling much stronger than I did a week ago and I can actually stand up now without feeling like I'm going to fall back down - I think that's really good! Emotionally - most of the time I'm good. It was a lot harder going through that than it was after Alex was born and I'm sure it will still rear it's ugly head for the next little while - and probably periodically throughout my lifetime. It was harder because I felt empty afterwards - I didn't have that sadness of not being pregnant anymore, but at least being able to look at my beautiful baby. I just felt empty.

So with that, I begin my two month challenge. I'm putting it up here so that it's out there and I have to stick to it! I've gotten really lazy over the last 2 months. I figure I have 2 months to turn that around and hopefully lose at least 5 of the 10 pds I gained over the summer and never lost. I'm going to try and post here more often as I know that I've got more stuff to work through. I hope you'll bare with me - I will however try to keep things as light and positive as possible.

So, bring on February - I'm ready to fight the good fight!!

A Fresh new start...

So, the tears are slowing now and the pain is subsiding as well but I still have this nagging feeling. This overwhelming urge to make a change in my life and do something different. Yesterday morning when I dropped Alex off at Daycare, I actually talked to the Supervisor of the Center about working there - do you know how badly Daycare Assistants get paid? I really had no idea until yesterday. I don't think that I can quite justify making that leap, but I do really feel like I need change. I need more family time and less bullshit at work. I need more fulfillment and less Tylenol to control the stress headaches that have been taking over my head for the last 4 1/2 mths. I'm afraid to make a leap because I know part of this could just be those "post-partum" feelings that everyone goes through, but on the other hand I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I may never make a change. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Why can't these things be easy? We should all be born with a life map. A map that says if you go this way, here's where you'll end up. And if you chose to take this funny little winding road, this is where you'll eventually get to. The funny thing for me is that it's not just the money that's holding me back from running into the daycare and saying 'sign me up!' It's also, what will the other parents think when they come to drop off and pick up their kids and see me not in their picking up my own kid, but rather there working with their own? Does it really matter what they think, well no, but don't we all really care a little bit about how other people perceive us?

I'd love feedback on this one - or suggestions that you may have for me on other things that I could investigate!

The worst day of my life

In the 30 years that I've been alive for, a lot has happened. There have been a lot of really wonderful days (the day I met Ben, the day I married Ben, the day I found out I was pregnant with Alex, and of course the day I first held him in my arms.) There have also been a good supply of the days that I never want to relive again - some of them were terrible days (Ben losing his job at a really bad time in our life) and some of them were life altering - December 10, 2004 - the day we lost my mom. However, none of those days can compare to yesterday. Yesterday was truly the most heart wrenching and painful day that I have ever lived through.

As you all know, we found out before Christmas that we would be welcoming baby number 2 into the McAlister family in 2007. Although I was happy (I really wanted to be pregnant again,) there was this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that was telling me that I shouldn't get overly excited about this baby - that something was wrong. I wish my intuition would work on all aspects of my life because yesterday I lived through the most emotionally and physically exhausting life experience that I would never wish on anyone. Yesterday, I lost my baby.

I started spotting on Tuesday at work - after being home all day Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went straight to the clinic. Tuesday ironically was Alex's 2nd birthday. On Wednesday I went to my ultrasound appt in the morning where I learned that the pregnancy was still viable, but it was "borderline" - the technician's term, not mine. She said that the next few weeks would really be crucial and that I should be off of my feet as much as possible with as little stress as possible. She also told me that although by my calculations I was just a little over 11 weeks, that the fetus was measuring 9 weeks. That made me worried. It made me more worried though that when she was trying to find the heartbeat, she had to make me hold my breath so she could detect it.

I left the office feeling better because at least I knew there was a chance that this baby could survive, but feeling more convinced than ever that this wasn't meant to be. I spent the next 2 days on the couch, not being able to pick up Alex or do much more than go to the bathroom without getting yelled at by someone.

During my hours on the couch I kept thinking, was there anything I could have done - or not done, that would have made my baby healthier? Is there something I'm doing now that I shouldn't be - or that I could be doing to make sure that I go full term with this pregnancy? What I realized though is that in general, I'm a healthy person. I don't smoke, I barely drink and I do exercise - usually on a regular basis! This wasn't my fault - and the final decision wasn't up to me - it's completely and totally out of my hands.

Sadly, yesterday morning I woke to dull cramps (very reminiscent of going into labour) and more spotting. By 7:30 last night, I was experiencing more pain that I thought was possible and I was without drugs. Luckily for me, I still had some Tylenol 3s in the cabinet from a previous surgery - although by 1:00 am this morning they weren't even touching the pain for me - I really wish I'd been prepared for this pain. I'm not sure that having a baby really prepares you for it, because instead of it being pain with a purpose - and a happy purpose at that, it's gut wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting pain that leaves you feeling so empty and so helpless - and there isn't a goddamn thing that you can do about it.

I know that I'm not the first person to go through this experience, and as a matter of fact I know that I'm not the only person dealing with this trauma right now, but I can honestly tell you that I've never felt this much loss and pain all in the span of 24 hrs. I truly, truly wish that no one I know - both liked and not - ever have to experience this.

Now I understand...

Really, I do. I now completely and totally understand why people have kids so close together. It's just so that they can get over and past the terrible twos without terrible scars and war wounds to show for it. Right now, in my world, we are smack dab in the middle of the terrible twos with a little boy who thinks that he's two going on 5. WOW!

I never knew that a little boy could create such havoc in such a small window of time. For instance, in a span of about 5 minutes tonight, not only was all of the toilet paper on the floor in my bathroom, the big green tub of toys turned upside down and scattered all over my family room floor, the train pieces from the train track making a path all the way to the front door but in addition, we also had the fridge door open and juice on the floor.

Do you remember those early days when you used to sit and stare at your little one and just keep thinking "Oh how I can hardly wait for you to get big. To start to crawl and then walk, and when you can talk it's going to be so amazing!" Now please, please, PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I love my little boy like nothing else in this world. I would lay my life down without a second thought for the fruit of my loins. However, right now, in my delightful 9th week of pregnancy, I'm finding it very difficult to remember why it is I ever wished those days away. Looking back now, it was so awesome when I could put him down in one place, run to the bathroom and come back a minute later and find him not only in the same place, but in the exact same position I left him in.

Although, when he was that small, I couldn't play trains with him, and he couldn't sing songs with me and he couldn't reach out and give me the best bear hugs EVER! So, I guess what I really just need to do is have a better sense of humour and start appreciating my boys ambition!! Besides, it won't be that long before I can make him start cleaning my house, will it??

To divert to a totally different topic for a minute, I'm looking for input on second (or third or fourth or fifth..) pregnancies. I'm finding this one to be incredibly different from the first one. I'm feeling way more nauseous, way more tired and WAY more irritable (aka irrational and hormonal!) Is this normal?? Anyone??????

January 3, 2006 oops, I mean 07!

OK, this is a dumb thing, I know but I really hate January. I truly dislike the month of January because it means I have to spend an entire 31 days getting used to a new number at the end of my date. After 11 good long months of doing something a certain way, you kind of get attached to it.

For instance, at work. I'm sitting there, getting in my groove, filling in information on my spreadsheets when suddenly it occurs to me that for the last 50 odd lines I've been entering the date as 01/03/06. Not a big thing, I know. Simply make the change once and then do a copy down the column, right? That's not the point. It's simply the realization that it's not 2006 anymore and I can't just go on auto pilot anymore. Can you even imagine, me, having to actually commit my brain to doing my job? I know, the nerve!

Lesson to self, apparently we don't like change!

I told you it was a dumb thing but it's the thing that I felt like talking about today!

Hope you're being more successful with the transition than me!

Top 10 for 2006

Of the things accomplished in '06 - here are the 10 that I am most proud of.

1. My little boy went from an infant to a toddler and had so many developmental milestones that I couldn't name just one, but he is defintely my best accomplishment to date
2. This one isn't really about me, but it makes me proud none-the-less. I watched my husband struggle in his job until August when everything turned around for him with the start of his new job at a brand new company. I'm proud of him for the things he's been able to do there already and I know it was a good move
3. I have managed to go back to work and still be a mom to my little boy and a wife to my amazing husband
4. I didn't give up on my quest to get my pre-baby body back. Although I may not have quite made it to the very top mountain, I'm very, very close and I know after # 2 arrives, I will realize my success
5. I actually got to read some books this year - albeit, most of them were trashy like, "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue", but I was reading none-the-less. My goal for early 2007 is to actually read something of significance before number 2 comes along and makes that even harder!
6. This past summer I took an over-run, under-kept garden (multiple plots actually) and made them all into something really pretty - and almost completely weed-free!
7. I sang again this year for the first time in many years - and it felt good
8. I've continued to find some time for myself throughout the year - I actually went to the spa for a day in August! Now that was nice!
9. I haven't felt guilty for not doing everything that I think I should - going to all the social functions that we used to, having my house perfectly neat and clean every moment of the day. Going back to work has taught me that I'm only capable of doing so much in any one day and my weekends shouldn't just be about doing all the things I can't get done during the week. We're trying to make one day each weekend family day where we do something fun as a family - and cleaning the house and grocery shopping don't fit into that category. The challenge continues for 2007...
10. The number 10 thing on my list is silly, but to me it's a big thing. I have successfully developed a laundry system that not only works, but is manageable!

So there you have it. My life is not exciting or glamourous, but the things that I've been able to do not only for myself, but my family and friends makes me look back at the year and feel content. The best part is that I don't feel like I have anything that hasn't been taken care of - there are no loose ends. Now that's something to be proud of!

Happy 2007!

It's been a long time coming...

I would like to say that I have so many reasons for not putting a post up here since, oh, July, but sadly, in truth I do not. Life has been no more so chaotic than before July. The world has not disrupted into utter chaos (well, no more so than usual) I have simply been lazy.

I think it's probably safe to assume by this point that the only person who will be reading my blog is me - which probably isn't a bad thing. You can only expect people to check out your site for so long without giving them anything new to look at. I've been waiting though to have something to post that would be meaningful and have some depth - apparently I'm just not that deep anymore.

So, the holidays are just about over. We survived 12 people at our house for dinner on the day of - the turkey was a masterpiece, the side dishes were equally well prepared and in short, I feel like I did my mom proud. The house is slowly returning to "normal" and I think that before Alex's birthday next month, I might actually have found homes for all of his new toys. Somehow though, even though I should feel happy and relaxed that all of this stuff is now behind me, it instead feels like something is missing. Maybe it's the lack of snow, or maybe it's just the general feeling that I wasn't ready for the holidays to be here and I'm certainly not ready for them to be over and to have to go back to work on Tuesday and start to deal with it all over again.

I can't believe another year is rapidly coming to a close. I can't believe that in just a few short days I will have been back at work for a year. In just a little under a month, Alex will be turning 2 and every day he is becoming more independent. My heart breaks a little when I tickle or kiss him and he looks at me with his scolding face and says "No mommy!" I know we're supposed to "raise" them and teach them well and all that stuff - but can't they just stay babies for a little while longer?

But then again, it could also be that I'm just a ridiculous raging vessel of hormones who shouldn't be allowed to converse with anyone about anything of real significance right now. The most amazing part about 2006 was that we found out there will be another little munchkin in our family by the end of Summer 2007. It's funny, I've been trying to describe to people how I feel this time and the only way that I can do that is to say that it's completely different. I don't feel the same sense of scared excitement that I did last time - it's not quite as earth shattering as the first time I peed on the stick and it said "oui"! I am however approaching this pregnancy in a much more mature way - I'm not going to ear Dairy Queen every night just cause I can. I'm also trying to be as active as possible - the small man in my life has a lot to do with that for sure!

I'm trying to find ways to make this pregnancy as special as the first one, so I may actually use this spot as my prenancy forum. That way if anyone is interested in posting, you can leave me your thoughts, feedback and stories about your experiences too.

Exhaustion is taking over my body - it feels good to be back though. If you're reading this - thanks for sticking it out with me!

Waves upon the sand...

***warning, this is a very sentimental post - Penelope, I blame you for this one...***

Every year for as long as I can possibly remember, the first two weeks of August meant the same thing. It meant my mom going out and buying tons and TONS of food (back when Knob Hill Farms was actually Knob Hill, there would be KH boxes packed with food in the kitchen and by the front door for an entire week leading up to this great adventure,) packing the car, truck, trailor or whatever we had at the time to the absolute limit and setting off on the approximately 2 hour drive to "the" cottage.

Now, it's not really our cottage, in that we don't own it, but for the first two weeks of August every year, cottage number 16 at Geneva Park on the Rama road has been our home. It's not a palace by any means, and trust me, if you don't like spiders, this is definitely not the place for you. Oh ya, and if having hot, running water in the same place as where you sleep is a necessity, than this really isn't your ideal oasis, but for me it's a quiet refuge. A place where the sunset is always spectacular and life just has a much slower pace. I grew up in this place and it holds many, many memories for my entire family. Some more painful than others, but I cherish them all.

Cottage 16 is actually one of the prime cottages - it's prime real estate in the cottage rental world! Not only do we have the most amazing view of the lake from our screened in front deck, but also have the kids Shire right across the road which is quite handy now that Alex is actually old enough to play in AND as if that weren't great enough, we have two communal washrooms that are within a 20 second jog of our front door! Did I forget to mention that part - ya, no bathrooms in the cottages either. The interior of the cottage has been the same for as long as I can remember.

The curtains on both the windows and covering the doorways to the bedrooms (yup, we are an open door kind of family when we're up there) have been the same for more than 20 years now but if we have our way, they will NOT be changed until the moths have eaten every last shred of them. You see, as with every other piece of furniture and every last mug in that place everything has a story. The curtains and "doors" were made by the woman who used to be in the cottage beside us - long time cottagers themselves, until she passed away about 10 years ago and we've never been able to look at them without thinking fondly of her.

The mugs which are stained and really quite ugly are all there because of swimming contests that were won on various years by the families who have mainly shared the cottage over the years. Although none of us are at the cottage at the same time, we all share the same love and kindred affection for the place, always leaving behind new little additions. Sometimes we'll leave some new puzzles and games or books. Some years we've bought new dishes or other kitchen gadgets. Trust me, you have to have rose coloured glasses on the first time that you go, but there is a magic about Geneva Park that once you've experienced it, you just have to keep going back.

One of my most favourite memories of the cottage now was one evening in 2002 - right before my wedding. I walked with my mom out to Fallen Rock - an area of the park that has the most amazing views of the sunset and has surprisingly alot of fallen rock slabs going straight into the water. We were sitting watching the sun slowly set out over the water in silence and I turned to look at her and noticed that she had tears running down her face. I held her hand quietly knowing that when she was ready she would tell me what was wrong. She wiped her tears away and then very quietly said how much sitting there with me reminded her of sitting with her Dad at their own cottage when she was a little girl. She said the two of them would sit on the dock together and not say a word to one another but would simply sit in silence and let the warm glow of the sun envelope them in one last warm hug before saying goodnight to the world for another day. My mom and I didn't always see eye to eye on a lot of stuff but one thing we did really well was be together in silence. Now, when I sit at Fallen Rock with my husband (and one day with bum bum once I trust that he won't leap of the ledge of rock into the water below) I feel her there with me and I remember that day and how nice it was to just be there, watching the sun go down and feeling her love without her saying a word.

I miss her a lot, but I know she's with me...

It's a wonderful day in the neighbourhood...

OK, so here I am, day number 1 of my vacation time (I call this officially day 1 because everybody else had yesterday off too!) Here's what I've so far been inspired to do. Have coffee, read blogs, read more blogs, have another coffee and then read a few more blogs. My husband tried to cut me off from the blog world last night - he said I am addicted and that he's feeling neglected. Can you believe that? This from the man who every morning when he wakes up rather than roll over in bed and whisper sweet nothings in my ear, he drags himself out of bed and comes out to the living room where he brings his little black side-kick to life and checks his
email. I mean come on, at least I'm sitting with him on the couch when I'm reading blogs - I'm not in the front room curled up reading a book, or out spending money on frivilous new belly tops (seriously, I never could have gotten away with a belly top even before I got pregnant and my tummy used to be pretty damn flat!) I even made it through an entire movie with him the other night - which I should explain is the family joke. I used to work for a large distribution house and got so used to watching the same movies over and over again that now, usually once the credits come on, I'm out like a light! I've seen more opening and closing credits than anyone out there!
When I was a kid growing up, I had teenaged angst. Who doesn't right? My mom didn't understand me, the boy I was in love with didn't want to have anything to do with me becasue of course I just wasn't cool enough and my parents didn't have the perfect, supportive relationship that I thought they should. Where did all of this outpouring of emotion get published? In my "secret diary" of course. Now, the funny thing is that it was this silly pink diary that said right on the front of it - "my diary". Not so secret really! My sister had the exact same one, so really, just how secret was it, I ask?
I wrote all kinds of things in there and I still occasionally will go back and read through the pages and realize with the knowing of a more seasoned person (and now mother too) that things really weren't so bad. As a matter of fact I had it pretty good comparitively, but as other bloggers have very recently written about, how do you really know how much you've grown and how far you've come if you don't have some kind of a record of where you've been?
This, my confessions page is my new "secret diary." It's the place where I want to share my thoughts and dreams because now, I like to hear the opinions and other stories of other moms and women. I'm at that point in my life where the sisterhood is really important. And knowing that there are other women out there that have been through similar situations and who can give me unbiased opinions is very comforting.

So, although I love CJ more than I will ever be able to express, having contact with the blogging world has become very important to me. So, this week will be not only about me having special time with the husband, but with my blogging world as well!

Tomorrow I'm going to the eye doctor - seriously, I don't think I can handle the excitement!!

My home and native land...

On this, our beautiful country's 139th birthday, I would like to take a few moments to reflect on the things that I absolutely LOVE about the place that I am lucky enough to call my home.

1) In our 10 provinces and 3 territories, none are exactly alike and all beautiful for their own reasons. On the West Coast, there is the amazing Pacific Ocean along with the breath-taking Rockie Mountains that seem to go on for ever and ever, and on the East Coast the beauty of the Atlantic seems to be more and more stunning with each piece of road travelled, it becomes more and more awe inspiring with every bend and rise in the road. Don't even get me started on all the provinces in-between - Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Quebec and then there's my favourtie....

2) Ontario - this is where I call home, this is where I roam, this is where I am constantly struggling to decide where it is I love the most. I ADORE Toronto and all it has to offer. The night life, the culture, the diversity, the excitement, the stink - who couldn't love that city? But then, there's the general area of Peterborough where I called home for so many years and still feel the most amazing sense of calm wash over me as I hop onto the 115 on my way to the farm. Or what about Bloomfield - home to the most amazing ice cream shop in the world ,Slickers Icecream! My sister and I discovered this amazing little place a few years ago on a quest to find the best cookies in the world and it turns out Bloomfield should really be famous for ice cream instead of cookies! Oh well and the Sand Banks are pretty impressive too and only about 10 minutes away from Bloomfield!

3)Health care - OK, I know that our system isn't perfect and there's so many things I would like to see changed about it, but I think we all take for granted the fact that we can go and see a doctor when we need one (I didn't say anything about whether or not it was a walk-in clinic doctor or one that actually knows who you are) and not have to shell out hundreds of dollars for them to tell us we have a flu bug and it will go away in a week or two. Again, I know it's not perfect, but it does without a doubt have some merits that I have experience first hand both through the birth of bum-bum and all of my mom's various treatments.

4) I can't believe that I've kept this until number 4, but I am so imensely thankful that I was able to stay home for an entire year with my wee man with the support of the Ontario government.
I can't even imagine how I would have coped if we did live anywhere else - although I don't know all of the facts, I know that many people in the states are only entitled to 3-months. I had a c-section so for me, I was only just starting to feel OK at the 3-month point so I can't even imagine having to go back to work so early. Plus, when I think of all the amazing milestones that I would have missed had I have had to go back to work early.

there are two final things that as a true and proud Canadian I can't imagine a list of this nature NOT containing

5) HOCKEY - I am a tried and true bud fan. I'm still holding out for the return of my beloved CuJo - I've still got his jersey hanging in the closet and it will come out again in support of his home-town return! Although my husband will tell you that I'm not really a fan, that I don't sit on the couch with him anymore to watch the games, but I love hockey. I love the thrill of the game and I love especially going to the games. And you know why? I love going to the games because I love standing in crowds at the ACC and listening to the beer-guzzling, hot-dog munching, air-horn blowing leafs fans standing together, hats over their hearts singing proudly all the things that Canadians hold near and dear. I want Toronto to take a lesson from Edmonton - now there's a town who knows how to sing our anthem!

6) Timmie's coffee - I don't think I need to say any more on that subject other than you know it's a Canadian icon and I LOVE THAT COFFEE!

Over the next few weeks I will be venturing into the states several times for work and what I can tell you is that I truly love visiting the US and travelling to different cities - I have a certain fascination for the way that things could be so different in a country so close by. However, it always hits me hardest when I land back at Pearson just how much I truly love this country and how lucky we truly are to be Canadian.

I want them to bring back the Molson ad - I AM CANADIAN!

What is this, ME time thing I keep hearing about?

It's Friday - and Friday before I leave for a whole week off from work so today, we're blogging in colour!!!

OK, so here's my problem - well maybe not problem, but here's my thing for today. I will not wake to the sounds of a blaring alarm next to me head for the next 9 mornings in a row, I will not drag my ass out of bed, into the shower and then squeeze into my "work" clothes and I will not walk the 8 minute walk to the bus and wait and curse as the cars fly by with no site of my bus anywhere. I will not do any of these things and I'm afraid that without this routine I'm going to be bored!

That's right, I said it, BORED!!

Now, before you roll your eyes and start yelling obscenities at me for rubbing in the fact that I'm on vacation all next week I must explain. I haven't had a week to myself where I didn't have to do favours for someone, have specific tasks to complete or people to take care of in I really can't remember how long and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm hoping to convince myself to go for a jog at least 5 of those days and I want to get a pedicure and of course we will do some sort of fun, family-type day trips to places within Ontario but that's only going to fill so much time!

When I was on Mat leave, I got really good at finding ways to fill the days. Going for really long walks, playing for hours at the park (in the early days, playing meant me sitting in the park reading while Bum-bum slept peacefully in his stroller!) Those days I'm afraid are over for now and I don't know if I want to get back into that mode. At least not yet, and not only for 1 week! Baby number two probably isn't that far off so I'll have plenty of time to relive those glory days.

So, I need help. I need ideas for ways to keep myself busy next week that doesn't include me cleaning my house, doing laundry, grocery shopping or anything that's really, really domestic. Fire away friends cause I'm open to just about anything. In fact, I'm even considering one of these options....

Bedroom Games

To party, or not to party, I can't believe that's even a question!

OK, so since we've moved to the village, our expenses for yearly birthday parties has at least tripled. Everyone on the court is very friendly and sociable and are constantly attempting to include us in all of the events - backyard barbecues, pool parties, court birthday parties...The list goes on! While I cannot even begin to express how much I appreciate the sentiments of being made to feel like we fit in and are a part of the "family" I also wonder how we would be perceived by the group if we were to decline the invitations.

As a matter of fact, the weekend after we first moved into the house, we were invited to the neighbours four year-old's birthday party. Now, sure, if we'd lived here for years and knew the history of all the kids on the court it probably would have been good times. Here's the problem though, CJ and I are both notoriously terrible with names and could barely remember the parent's names let alone which kid was which and who belonged to who. We decided against going and thankfully bum-bum really was not feeling well, nor were either of us but really, the main reason we decided against going was because the activities, although designed for pre-schoolers, were still too old for our little man.

We have a 17 month old (it was his 17 month-aversary yesterday by the way!) He is the youngest on the court and obviously when we attend these kinds of things he is always the baby of the group. That means the rest of the parents are sitting around drinking and enjoying themselves while we are busy running after bum-bum making sure that he's not either getting run over by the bigger kids or literally shooting his eye out with one of their toys.

Our neighbours have all been awesome, but especially the ones to the East of us. They have a garage full of things that mommy neighbour isn't ready to part with yet, but she is more than happy to share while the boys are all out playing (apparently it's the joke around here that no one seems capable of producing a girl - out of 8 houses there is only 1 girl.) Bum-bum is in absolute awe of the big kids - he wants to do everything they do but sometimes when we're at these functions I just feel bad for him. I feel like we're the odd ones out as well because I don't get to sit and socialize with them - if we were all in our backyard where I know that bum-bum isn't going to drown in a pool, or fall down a steep slide or off a high ladder I wouldn't worry so much.

How does everyone else deal with the birthday party for an older child syndrome? Am I out on my own here??

I always thought that we could fit into any situation - that we would always find something that we could feed the bum, and we could always find something that would keep him occupied. I guess what I'm learning now, is that there really are some situations that just aren't appropriate for a small man - if only because it's not fair to keep running after him and keeping him from doing the things that he sees all the bigger kids doing. Why dangle the carrot from the branch if you're never going to cut it down and give it to them, right?

I'm interested to see how other people deal with the awkward age situtation....

Dictator in the how-se!

You know that little thread of hope that we all hold onto after we have kids that one day, maybe not in the near future, but one day we - the parents - will take back the position of head of the household? Well, I think today I finally resigned as person trying to be in charge and accepted my fate that I will never again be the one who calls the shots in the village household.

As we sat in our local village restaurant trying to enjoy a nice dinner tonight, it dawned on me that ever since becoming a parent I don't really enjoy my food anymore. I don't take those small bites and savour the flavours as they mingle and blend on my tongue, it's more like an inhalation process really. I don't get to experiment with the finest of wines anymore either - there once was a story about a girl who used to get taken out for dinner to really fine restaurants where the bottles of wine to be enjoyed that evening would be picked based on which ones were the most expensive. That was a nice fariytale!

Now, we select our restaurants based on how clean the high chairs are and how many other families with small children are sitting in the dining room so that the sometimes glass crackling exclamations that often come out of bum-bums mouth these days might just blend in with the others around us.

CJ said to me tonight, "We've become the people that we used to hate." You know what, it's true. It's funny how before you even have kids you can be so critical and such an expert, a canner if you will about something that you know NOTHING about(the subject for another blog all on it's own and one of my biggest pet peeves!) But it's true, I've learned one important thing since becoming a mother (other than the fact that I am no longer in the driver's seat of this household) and that is that you truly cannot criticise others for the way they do something - whether it's what time they put their kids to bed, or how clean a person's house is until you live through a day with a 17 month old who has more energy than an ADD 6-year old that's just had 6 litres of blue Kool-aid and 5 packages of watermelon hubba bubba!

The word no - something else I said I would never use - has come out of my mouth more times in the 3 hours that I've been home with bum-bum tonight than it did my entire day at work today. And I said NO A LOT today!

So here's the ironic thing, I love the little man to death but what I'm coming to realize more and more is that being back at work, and being away from him all day makes me realize just how much I love him and miss him when I'm not with him and it makes me want to spend absolutely every moment I can watching him, laughing with him and his newest trick - singing with him! So, while I hope to be able to stay home after the next one, I know that I'll need to do something - anything really - to make sure that I do get out of the house maybe not every single day but mommy's gonna need some sain time!

The dictator is destroying my house - is it too early in my mommy career for nanny 9-1-1?

Time, shmime!

When I first decided to post a blog I thought I would ocassionally post something here. Things that were happening in the village world - things that perplex me as a person. I never really thought that I'd have to actually find time to think about the kinds of things that I wanted to post. Every day stuff happens. Everyday Bum-bum does something hysterical and Captain Jack usually does something that's noteworthy - I didn't say it was always good, although for the most part it is! I wonder though does anyone else have the same problem? Do you ever sit down and think I really want to post something - something profound and amazing but just don't seem to come up with anything? Oh, btw, in case anyone was wondering the post that is titled "}! was Alex's handywork - apparently he wants to be a part of this blog too!
I find time to be a very stressful issue for me now. Finding time to spend with all of my friends and family - or the lack there of. Finding time to keep my house organized and clean is a battle that I really seem to be losing. On the weekend, I swear I am constantly picking up the exact same things over and over again. Sometimes I think I'm Bill Murray trapped in Pucksatony (I totally made the spelling of that up, but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about!) Seriously though, does anyone else ever just say forget it and walk away from the weebles scattered all over the floor? I think that June Cleaver is not someone for us to look up to and admire, I think she's someone that we should abolish from the minds of others for forever. I'm no super-mom and I don't pretend to be either. I'm not going to lie to you, if you came to my house without giving me at least 45 minutes notice (which I absolutely have no problem with...) I can't promise you that there wouldn't be dishes in the sink, a bit of dog hair here and there and potentially a full layer of toys covering the floor plan of my house! I refuse to spend my precious time doing stuff that I don't even enjoy except when I absolutely have to.

Mommies of the world unite!

I'll take mine black thank you!

When I was little, I could never understand the appeal of coffee. I couldn't grasp why anyone would want to drink that foul, steaming black stew that filled my parents mugs every morning - and all day long on the weekends. Slowly as I got older, I learned to first appreciate the smell of coffee, then the idea of coffee and finally, or maybe at last I've learned to appreciate - even savour - the taste of coffee.
For me, my love of coffee is equatable to that of my appreciation for wine. As a little girl, my parents would never stop me or my siblings from sneaking a sip of beer or wine - in fact I think that my mom thought that by giving us a taste of alcohol at home that we wouldn't go out looking for it elsewhere. I hated wine when I first started drinking. I thought it smelled bad and tasted even worse. Slowly however, I grew to truly appreciate a good bottle of wine and even more so with a superb meal!

The same was true for coffee. Once we hit our early teens, if we wanted a cup of coffee, we could have it although there would definitely be commentary from one of the critics. If it wasn't either of my parents, then it was surely going to come from one of the sibs. It wasn't however, until I moved out to go to U of T that I really began to drink coffee - more for it's ability to make my eyes peel open in the morning than for any sort of real enjoyement. The more I drank of it the more it grew on me. Now of course it could have had something to do with the fact that there was really more sugar and cream than there was coffee, but that's beside the point really!

About half-way through my pregnancy, once food didn't repulse me so much anymore, I found myself really, really missing coffee. I think however that I missed the ritual of coffee. I missed getting up in the morning, pressing that button and having the kitchen fill with the delightful smell of morning - of fresh brewed coffee. I think it was at that same time that I realized that really, coffee drinking is something like smoking. It's as much an actual need to fulfill the morning or the weekend ritual as it is about actually liking what's in your mug. How many people get up on the weekend, pour a cup of coffee and curl up with the paper? OK, I don't get to read a real paper anymore, but I do get to have the coffee and I usually get to look at a couple of flyers while bumbum rushes around us trying to rip the the papers right out of our hands.

But I get to have my coffee and now and I understand why my parents enjoyed their mugs of black sludge. It wasn't necessarily the taste (I hope!) or the smell or the delicious warmth of the mug on a snowy Saturday in November but it was about the ritual and I'm sure that the caffine jolt didn't go unnoticed either! And now, in the world of lattes and non-fat tazo chai drinks, I think that I appreciate a good cup of coffee even more. In fact, Fridays are my treat day where not only do I get to have my morning coffee, but I get to buy a delicious latte from Second Cup as well. Life doesn't get much better than that!

Friday, here I come!

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