I'm a bad, bad Blogger!

I know, I know, I've been neglectful. I know there are certain people who dutifully check my blog every day only to be disappointed by my lack of postings...K.S. you know I'm talking about you!!

The truth is two-fold, so here it is.

1) I haven't really had a whole lot to say. Well no, that's not entirely true. What I really mean is that I haven't had a whole lot that I wanted to put out there for the world to see. There's lots going on inside my head these days like, why am I not pregnant again yet? How come there are pregnant women all around me (that doesn't mean I'm not over the moon thrilled for those of you who are!) but I'm not? And how come if I'm not pregnant, I haven't lost those 10 lbs I swore would be gone by now?? I mean seriously, what are my excuses? All I do all day long is sit on my butt in front of a computer screen. As if I can't find 40 minutes in a day to do some cardio! I keep telling myself that this is going to be the week where I actually get going and go for a walk every day at lunch - but then I get to Friday and realize that it hasn't happened. Where did my resolve go??? I need to nominate someone to be my exercise drill Sargent. Anyone up for the job? Someone to yell at me every day and make me do something?? Anyone, anyone? Buller?

2) Facebook. Yes, that's right, I said it -- and I'll say it again! I LOVE FACEBOOK! Not like I love my husband or I love my son love - but in this really creepy, addictive and scary way I love it! I've found out information about people that I haven't talked to in years and it's very satisfying to know that I look pretty freakin' good compared to some of those people!! I know that's shallow and vain but, well, come on! Who doesn't want to show up at some reunion (be it their 10 yr High School or Uni / College) and walk out at the end of the night knowing that they aren't the one everyone is going to go home saying "holy shit, the years have not been good to..." Come on, you know it! You and I both know full well that if you had a reunion in a mth you'd be starving yourself like crazy trying to squeeze into the skinniest outfit you could. God, we're twisted!!

So, there you have it. My excuses are avoidance and avoidance. I'm starting to feel a little bit less awestruck by Facebook these days though. I don't have the same opportunities to post on there as I do here so don't worry, I'll be back. I will begin to post more regularly - and hopefully, if the fates work as I think they should - I will very soon be posting about being barfy and bloated and wondering again why I thought getting pregnant was such a good idea!

You can still visit me on Facebook if you'd like to see more pictures!!

Three is so much better than two...

I just had a crazy realization. Less than two months ago I felt like each day took an eternity to pass. I felt like it would take 10 years for Spring to arrive and for me to forget everything that happened. Don't get me wrong, I've forgotten nothing and I still have the odd emotional moment when I think about the fact that I would have had a nice protruding belly by now - but holy shit, I just realized that March is half over and next month, the long weekends start again!

I love long weekends. I hate the traffic that is involved with them but I love, love, LOVE that extra day to putz around my house. To go on a trip somewhere and not feel like we really only have 2 hours to spend there before we have to turn around and get ready for the week ahead. I want to make big plans this year for our long weekends - especially the May and July ones. Although I love them, we never really do anything special. Now that we have the little man, travelling in bumper to bumper traffic isn't really our idea of fun and getting out of Dodge while everyone else is doing it doesn't really make any sense to me.

So, I think we'll plan to celebrate our backyard on the 2 best long weekends of the year. I'm already starting to plan my gardens and think about the pretty blooms that will frame the corners of my backyard this summer. I will make the trek to the Peterborough Farmer's market this May and get my flats upon flats of flowers so that I can feel that satisfaction of making something look so esthetically pleasing that even I as a Libra will be able to relax and enjoy some solitude in my favourite Muskoka chair.

Seriously, is it April yet??

What a day it was...

I remember my first Valentine's Day - I mean the first one that really "meant" something - the first one avec un beau. You know, the cheap chocolates that leave that really gross, oily residue in your mouth, the roses (probably purchased from the grocery store) that were expected to live forever but never survived for one minute longer than midnight on the "big" day. Oh, and who could forget the clumsy make-out session that followed the bestowing of the gifts. Ya, that was great (please note the absolute sarcasm here!!) In retrospect, it was a lot more action than what this house saw on Wednesday night!

You know, I know that we've just been through a lot of emotional stuff and me, quite a bit on the physical end too, but really, is it too much to ask for a little action on Valentine's Day?? We got off to a great start - the man picked me up at work with a cookie and non-fat hot chocolate in hand (I know, I know, what's the point of the non-fat when he had them smother it with whip cream and Belgian chocolate chunks?) We had wonderful - and very promising I might add - conversations on the way home. With the hopes of a great evening on the rise - maybe get the kid down early so we could share a bottle of wine, maybe have a bubble bath together...the possibilities were endless. Ho much of this actually happened you ask? None, notta, niente - not on this day, oh no!

The small one, would not, did not want to go to sleep. We tried bribing, oh yes we did. We read stories, we even let him take a bottle to bed (gasp, shock, horror - I know!) Finally, I curled up with him on his ittsy, bittsy, teensy, weensy car bed and the husband lay down on the nice comfortable chaise lounge in his room and we all finally fell asleep - in the kid's room. When I woke up at 12:30 am, all I could do was shake my head as I painfully brought my body to an upright position. The one day that a girl can usually count on getting laid was gone and I had done none of the laying that I had actually intended to do.

So backing up just a bit, I told the husband not to get me flowers on this Hallmark inspired holiday as I didn't want him to spend inflated dollars on flowers that I knew would not survive for more than 48 hours at best. He also knows that I'm not really into the chocolate thing - especially now that I'm fighting against 10 pds every day. I don't need a card written by someone else to tell me how much he loves me - I know that he does and he tells me every day. However, I'm not going to lie to you, I was (as if you can't tell!) very disappointed this year. I never thought I'd say that - I can't even tell you how many times I've used an excuse similar to the "Not tonight dear, I've got a headache" in the last two years. Usually, I'm just too freakin' tired to do anything except give him a quick peck on the cheek and say I love you. Usually. This year I was all pumped. I was looking for romance and special attention. I usually get it - not just on this day, but especially on this day - you know??

If you'll excuse me, I think I have to go stand in front of the Leaf's game naked so that I can have a second chance at Feb 14!!

Uh oh - a new distraction...

OK, so here I am, minding my own business going about my life thinking that things are OK. I'm starting to really get back into my blog and enjoying it again when all of a sudden, wham mo!! I got hit with Facebook!

Have you heard of this new, ridiculous distraction? If you haven't you should check it out www.facebook.com It's this crazy network of everyone and anyone (OK, mostly under the age of 30, but I know for a fact that there are at least 5 people out there who are 30+ and lovin' it!) An old friend from High School asked me to join and I, not knowing what I was in for naively joined. Well, let me tell you (and please don't tell my boss this,) but it's quite a distraction. It actually caused quite a commotion at my office today where we were all buzzing about this new phenomenon. It was like someone there had discovered the Internet all over again.

The scary part is, is I think I like it. It's like spying on everyone that you've ever come into contact with (if they're on of course) because you can see photos of them and find out whether or not they're married or single, happy or disgruntled it's CRAZY! You can also invite people to join if you chose by simply entering their email address.

On a positive note, it's given me something new and exciting to focus on which is helping me to feel way better this week. Yeah facebook! Check me out if you stop by - I've put a whole bunch of pictures up there already - of course only the ones where I look really good have made the cut!

Who knew going back would be so hard

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is the day that I have to face the music and tote my sorry ass into the office that a week ago I didn't think I'd ever be able to face again. Tomorrow I will have to deal with a whole lot of people coming up to me and saying "I'm so sorry - how are you feeling?" Now, some of them honestly and truly want to know the answer - as a matter of fact almost all of them do. However, we all know that no one wants to hear the truth, no one wants to know that I feel crappy, I'm still really crampy and that I feel like I'm an emotional time bomb just waiting for someone to enter that code that will set my countdown in motion.

There are a couple of pregnant women in my office right now - who I love and adore and am so happy for, but I know they're going to be funny with me and I know that I'm going to look at their beautiful bellies and feel the ugly green monster come to life. I've never wanted to get my period so bad in my whole entire life!

In the last week and a half, I've cleaned my house regularly (something that actually felt really good since I've been avoiding doing just about everything and anything domestic since getting pregnant.) I've done laundry, I've done groceries, I've hung out with my kid tons (which was really the absolute best medicine any doctor could have prescribed for me - well, other than morphine, that would have been really good too!) I even went to a couple of yoga classes - all things that made me feel better, but yet in my head I still feel like I always do on a Sunday night. Like there just hasn't been enough time and that I haven't accomplished anything that I should have. How easily it all comes back.

So, now that I've been all complainy and sad - aka Depressing Mama, let me tell you that physically I feel great. I'm feeling much stronger than I did a week ago and I can actually stand up now without feeling like I'm going to fall back down - I think that's really good! Emotionally - most of the time I'm good. It was a lot harder going through that than it was after Alex was born and I'm sure it will still rear it's ugly head for the next little while - and probably periodically throughout my lifetime. It was harder because I felt empty afterwards - I didn't have that sadness of not being pregnant anymore, but at least being able to look at my beautiful baby. I just felt empty.

So with that, I begin my two month challenge. I'm putting it up here so that it's out there and I have to stick to it! I've gotten really lazy over the last 2 months. I figure I have 2 months to turn that around and hopefully lose at least 5 of the 10 pds I gained over the summer and never lost. I'm going to try and post here more often as I know that I've got more stuff to work through. I hope you'll bare with me - I will however try to keep things as light and positive as possible.

So, bring on February - I'm ready to fight the good fight!!

A Fresh new start...

So, the tears are slowing now and the pain is subsiding as well but I still have this nagging feeling. This overwhelming urge to make a change in my life and do something different. Yesterday morning when I dropped Alex off at Daycare, I actually talked to the Supervisor of the Center about working there - do you know how badly Daycare Assistants get paid? I really had no idea until yesterday. I don't think that I can quite justify making that leap, but I do really feel like I need change. I need more family time and less bullshit at work. I need more fulfillment and less Tylenol to control the stress headaches that have been taking over my head for the last 4 1/2 mths. I'm afraid to make a leap because I know part of this could just be those "post-partum" feelings that everyone goes through, but on the other hand I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I may never make a change. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Why can't these things be easy? We should all be born with a life map. A map that says if you go this way, here's where you'll end up. And if you chose to take this funny little winding road, this is where you'll eventually get to. The funny thing for me is that it's not just the money that's holding me back from running into the daycare and saying 'sign me up!' It's also, what will the other parents think when they come to drop off and pick up their kids and see me not in their picking up my own kid, but rather there working with their own? Does it really matter what they think, well no, but don't we all really care a little bit about how other people perceive us?

I'd love feedback on this one - or suggestions that you may have for me on other things that I could investigate!

The worst day of my life

In the 30 years that I've been alive for, a lot has happened. There have been a lot of really wonderful days (the day I met Ben, the day I married Ben, the day I found out I was pregnant with Alex, and of course the day I first held him in my arms.) There have also been a good supply of the days that I never want to relive again - some of them were terrible days (Ben losing his job at a really bad time in our life) and some of them were life altering - December 10, 2004 - the day we lost my mom. However, none of those days can compare to yesterday. Yesterday was truly the most heart wrenching and painful day that I have ever lived through.

As you all know, we found out before Christmas that we would be welcoming baby number 2 into the McAlister family in 2007. Although I was happy (I really wanted to be pregnant again,) there was this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that was telling me that I shouldn't get overly excited about this baby - that something was wrong. I wish my intuition would work on all aspects of my life because yesterday I lived through the most emotionally and physically exhausting life experience that I would never wish on anyone. Yesterday, I lost my baby.

I started spotting on Tuesday at work - after being home all day Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went straight to the clinic. Tuesday ironically was Alex's 2nd birthday. On Wednesday I went to my ultrasound appt in the morning where I learned that the pregnancy was still viable, but it was "borderline" - the technician's term, not mine. She said that the next few weeks would really be crucial and that I should be off of my feet as much as possible with as little stress as possible. She also told me that although by my calculations I was just a little over 11 weeks, that the fetus was measuring 9 weeks. That made me worried. It made me more worried though that when she was trying to find the heartbeat, she had to make me hold my breath so she could detect it.

I left the office feeling better because at least I knew there was a chance that this baby could survive, but feeling more convinced than ever that this wasn't meant to be. I spent the next 2 days on the couch, not being able to pick up Alex or do much more than go to the bathroom without getting yelled at by someone.

During my hours on the couch I kept thinking, was there anything I could have done - or not done, that would have made my baby healthier? Is there something I'm doing now that I shouldn't be - or that I could be doing to make sure that I go full term with this pregnancy? What I realized though is that in general, I'm a healthy person. I don't smoke, I barely drink and I do exercise - usually on a regular basis! This wasn't my fault - and the final decision wasn't up to me - it's completely and totally out of my hands.

Sadly, yesterday morning I woke to dull cramps (very reminiscent of going into labour) and more spotting. By 7:30 last night, I was experiencing more pain that I thought was possible and I was without drugs. Luckily for me, I still had some Tylenol 3s in the cabinet from a previous surgery - although by 1:00 am this morning they weren't even touching the pain for me - I really wish I'd been prepared for this pain. I'm not sure that having a baby really prepares you for it, because instead of it being pain with a purpose - and a happy purpose at that, it's gut wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting pain that leaves you feeling so empty and so helpless - and there isn't a goddamn thing that you can do about it.

I know that I'm not the first person to go through this experience, and as a matter of fact I know that I'm not the only person dealing with this trauma right now, but I can honestly tell you that I've never felt this much loss and pain all in the span of 24 hrs. I truly, truly wish that no one I know - both liked and not - ever have to experience this.

Now I understand...

Really, I do. I now completely and totally understand why people have kids so close together. It's just so that they can get over and past the terrible twos without terrible scars and war wounds to show for it. Right now, in my world, we are smack dab in the middle of the terrible twos with a little boy who thinks that he's two going on 5. WOW!

I never knew that a little boy could create such havoc in such a small window of time. For instance, in a span of about 5 minutes tonight, not only was all of the toilet paper on the floor in my bathroom, the big green tub of toys turned upside down and scattered all over my family room floor, the train pieces from the train track making a path all the way to the front door but in addition, we also had the fridge door open and juice on the floor.

Do you remember those early days when you used to sit and stare at your little one and just keep thinking "Oh how I can hardly wait for you to get big. To start to crawl and then walk, and when you can talk it's going to be so amazing!" Now please, please, PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I love my little boy like nothing else in this world. I would lay my life down without a second thought for the fruit of my loins. However, right now, in my delightful 9th week of pregnancy, I'm finding it very difficult to remember why it is I ever wished those days away. Looking back now, it was so awesome when I could put him down in one place, run to the bathroom and come back a minute later and find him not only in the same place, but in the exact same position I left him in.

Although, when he was that small, I couldn't play trains with him, and he couldn't sing songs with me and he couldn't reach out and give me the best bear hugs EVER! So, I guess what I really just need to do is have a better sense of humour and start appreciating my boys ambition!! Besides, it won't be that long before I can make him start cleaning my house, will it??

To divert to a totally different topic for a minute, I'm looking for input on second (or third or fourth or fifth..) pregnancies. I'm finding this one to be incredibly different from the first one. I'm feeling way more nauseous, way more tired and WAY more irritable (aka irrational and hormonal!) Is this normal?? Anyone??????

January 3, 2006 oops, I mean 07!

OK, this is a dumb thing, I know but I really hate January. I truly dislike the month of January because it means I have to spend an entire 31 days getting used to a new number at the end of my date. After 11 good long months of doing something a certain way, you kind of get attached to it.

For instance, at work. I'm sitting there, getting in my groove, filling in information on my spreadsheets when suddenly it occurs to me that for the last 50 odd lines I've been entering the date as 01/03/06. Not a big thing, I know. Simply make the change once and then do a copy down the column, right? That's not the point. It's simply the realization that it's not 2006 anymore and I can't just go on auto pilot anymore. Can you even imagine, me, having to actually commit my brain to doing my job? I know, the nerve!

Lesson to self, apparently we don't like change!

I told you it was a dumb thing but it's the thing that I felt like talking about today!

Hope you're being more successful with the transition than me!