So, the tears are slowing now and the pain is subsiding as well but I still have this nagging feeling. This overwhelming urge to make a change in my life and do something different. Yesterday morning when I dropped Alex off at Daycare, I actually talked to the Supervisor of the Center about working there - do you know how badly Daycare Assistants get paid? I really had no idea until yesterday. I don't think that I can quite justify making that leap, but I do really feel like I need change. I need more family time and less bullshit at work. I need more fulfillment and less Tylenol to control the stress headaches that have been taking over my head for the last 4 1/2 mths. I'm afraid to make a leap because I know part of this could just be those "post-partum" feelings that everyone goes through, but on the other hand I'm afraid that if I don't do it now, I may never make a change. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Why can't these things be easy? We should all be born with a life map. A map that says if you go this way, here's where you'll end up. And if you chose to take this funny little winding road, this is where you'll eventually get to. The funny thing for me is that it's not just the money that's holding me back from running into the daycare and saying 'sign me up!' It's also, what will the other parents think when they come to drop off and pick up their kids and see me not in their picking up my own kid, but rather there working with their own? Does it really matter what they think, well no, but don't we all really care a little bit about how other people perceive us?
I'd love feedback on this one - or suggestions that you may have for me on other things that I could investigate!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The worst day of my life
In the 30 years that I've been alive for, a lot has happened. There have been a lot of really wonderful days (the day I met Ben, the day I married Ben, the day I found out I was pregnant with Alex, and of course the day I first held him in my arms.) There have also been a good supply of the days that I never want to relive again - some of them were terrible days (Ben losing his job at a really bad time in our life) and some of them were life altering - December 10, 2004 - the day we lost my mom. However, none of those days can compare to yesterday. Yesterday was truly the most heart wrenching and painful day that I have ever lived through.
As you all know, we found out before Christmas that we would be welcoming baby number 2 into the McAlister family in 2007. Although I was happy (I really wanted to be pregnant again,) there was this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that was telling me that I shouldn't get overly excited about this baby - that something was wrong. I wish my intuition would work on all aspects of my life because yesterday I lived through the most emotionally and physically exhausting life experience that I would never wish on anyone. Yesterday, I lost my baby.
I started spotting on Tuesday at work - after being home all day Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went straight to the clinic. Tuesday ironically was Alex's 2nd birthday. On Wednesday I went to my ultrasound appt in the morning where I learned that the pregnancy was still viable, but it was "borderline" - the technician's term, not mine. She said that the next few weeks would really be crucial and that I should be off of my feet as much as possible with as little stress as possible. She also told me that although by my calculations I was just a little over 11 weeks, that the fetus was measuring 9 weeks. That made me worried. It made me more worried though that when she was trying to find the heartbeat, she had to make me hold my breath so she could detect it.
I left the office feeling better because at least I knew there was a chance that this baby could survive, but feeling more convinced than ever that this wasn't meant to be. I spent the next 2 days on the couch, not being able to pick up Alex or do much more than go to the bathroom without getting yelled at by someone.
During my hours on the couch I kept thinking, was there anything I could have done - or not done, that would have made my baby healthier? Is there something I'm doing now that I shouldn't be - or that I could be doing to make sure that I go full term with this pregnancy? What I realized though is that in general, I'm a healthy person. I don't smoke, I barely drink and I do exercise - usually on a regular basis! This wasn't my fault - and the final decision wasn't up to me - it's completely and totally out of my hands.
Sadly, yesterday morning I woke to dull cramps (very reminiscent of going into labour) and more spotting. By 7:30 last night, I was experiencing more pain that I thought was possible and I was without drugs. Luckily for me, I still had some Tylenol 3s in the cabinet from a previous surgery - although by 1:00 am this morning they weren't even touching the pain for me - I really wish I'd been prepared for this pain. I'm not sure that having a baby really prepares you for it, because instead of it being pain with a purpose - and a happy purpose at that, it's gut wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting pain that leaves you feeling so empty and so helpless - and there isn't a goddamn thing that you can do about it.
I know that I'm not the first person to go through this experience, and as a matter of fact I know that I'm not the only person dealing with this trauma right now, but I can honestly tell you that I've never felt this much loss and pain all in the span of 24 hrs. I truly, truly wish that no one I know - both liked and not - ever have to experience this.
As you all know, we found out before Christmas that we would be welcoming baby number 2 into the McAlister family in 2007. Although I was happy (I really wanted to be pregnant again,) there was this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that was telling me that I shouldn't get overly excited about this baby - that something was wrong. I wish my intuition would work on all aspects of my life because yesterday I lived through the most emotionally and physically exhausting life experience that I would never wish on anyone. Yesterday, I lost my baby.
I started spotting on Tuesday at work - after being home all day Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went straight to the clinic. Tuesday ironically was Alex's 2nd birthday. On Wednesday I went to my ultrasound appt in the morning where I learned that the pregnancy was still viable, but it was "borderline" - the technician's term, not mine. She said that the next few weeks would really be crucial and that I should be off of my feet as much as possible with as little stress as possible. She also told me that although by my calculations I was just a little over 11 weeks, that the fetus was measuring 9 weeks. That made me worried. It made me more worried though that when she was trying to find the heartbeat, she had to make me hold my breath so she could detect it.
I left the office feeling better because at least I knew there was a chance that this baby could survive, but feeling more convinced than ever that this wasn't meant to be. I spent the next 2 days on the couch, not being able to pick up Alex or do much more than go to the bathroom without getting yelled at by someone.
During my hours on the couch I kept thinking, was there anything I could have done - or not done, that would have made my baby healthier? Is there something I'm doing now that I shouldn't be - or that I could be doing to make sure that I go full term with this pregnancy? What I realized though is that in general, I'm a healthy person. I don't smoke, I barely drink and I do exercise - usually on a regular basis! This wasn't my fault - and the final decision wasn't up to me - it's completely and totally out of my hands.
Sadly, yesterday morning I woke to dull cramps (very reminiscent of going into labour) and more spotting. By 7:30 last night, I was experiencing more pain that I thought was possible and I was without drugs. Luckily for me, I still had some Tylenol 3s in the cabinet from a previous surgery - although by 1:00 am this morning they weren't even touching the pain for me - I really wish I'd been prepared for this pain. I'm not sure that having a baby really prepares you for it, because instead of it being pain with a purpose - and a happy purpose at that, it's gut wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting pain that leaves you feeling so empty and so helpless - and there isn't a goddamn thing that you can do about it.
I know that I'm not the first person to go through this experience, and as a matter of fact I know that I'm not the only person dealing with this trauma right now, but I can honestly tell you that I've never felt this much loss and pain all in the span of 24 hrs. I truly, truly wish that no one I know - both liked and not - ever have to experience this.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Now I understand...
Really, I do. I now completely and totally understand why people have kids so close together. It's just so that they can get over and past the terrible twos without terrible scars and war wounds to show for it. Right now, in my world, we are smack dab in the middle of the terrible twos with a little boy who thinks that he's two going on 5. WOW!
I never knew that a little boy could create such havoc in such a small window of time. For instance, in a span of about 5 minutes tonight, not only was all of the toilet paper on the floor in my bathroom, the big green tub of toys turned upside down and scattered all over my family room floor, the train pieces from the train track making a path all the way to the front door but in addition, we also had the fridge door open and juice on the floor.
Do you remember those early days when you used to sit and stare at your little one and just keep thinking "Oh how I can hardly wait for you to get big. To start to crawl and then walk, and when you can talk it's going to be so amazing!" Now please, please, PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I love my little boy like nothing else in this world. I would lay my life down without a second thought for the fruit of my loins. However, right now, in my delightful 9th week of pregnancy, I'm finding it very difficult to remember why it is I ever wished those days away. Looking back now, it was so awesome when I could put him down in one place, run to the bathroom and come back a minute later and find him not only in the same place, but in the exact same position I left him in.
Although, when he was that small, I couldn't play trains with him, and he couldn't sing songs with me and he couldn't reach out and give me the best bear hugs EVER! So, I guess what I really just need to do is have a better sense of humour and start appreciating my boys ambition!! Besides, it won't be that long before I can make him start cleaning my house, will it??
To divert to a totally different topic for a minute, I'm looking for input on second (or third or fourth or fifth..) pregnancies. I'm finding this one to be incredibly different from the first one. I'm feeling way more nauseous, way more tired and WAY more irritable (aka irrational and hormonal!) Is this normal?? Anyone??????
I never knew that a little boy could create such havoc in such a small window of time. For instance, in a span of about 5 minutes tonight, not only was all of the toilet paper on the floor in my bathroom, the big green tub of toys turned upside down and scattered all over my family room floor, the train pieces from the train track making a path all the way to the front door but in addition, we also had the fridge door open and juice on the floor.
Do you remember those early days when you used to sit and stare at your little one and just keep thinking "Oh how I can hardly wait for you to get big. To start to crawl and then walk, and when you can talk it's going to be so amazing!" Now please, please, PLEASE don't misunderstand me. I love my little boy like nothing else in this world. I would lay my life down without a second thought for the fruit of my loins. However, right now, in my delightful 9th week of pregnancy, I'm finding it very difficult to remember why it is I ever wished those days away. Looking back now, it was so awesome when I could put him down in one place, run to the bathroom and come back a minute later and find him not only in the same place, but in the exact same position I left him in.
Although, when he was that small, I couldn't play trains with him, and he couldn't sing songs with me and he couldn't reach out and give me the best bear hugs EVER! So, I guess what I really just need to do is have a better sense of humour and start appreciating my boys ambition!! Besides, it won't be that long before I can make him start cleaning my house, will it??
To divert to a totally different topic for a minute, I'm looking for input on second (or third or fourth or fifth..) pregnancies. I'm finding this one to be incredibly different from the first one. I'm feeling way more nauseous, way more tired and WAY more irritable (aka irrational and hormonal!) Is this normal?? Anyone??????
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
January 3, 2006 oops, I mean 07!
OK, this is a dumb thing, I know but I really hate January. I truly dislike the month of January because it means I have to spend an entire 31 days getting used to a new number at the end of my date. After 11 good long months of doing something a certain way, you kind of get attached to it.
For instance, at work. I'm sitting there, getting in my groove, filling in information on my spreadsheets when suddenly it occurs to me that for the last 50 odd lines I've been entering the date as 01/03/06. Not a big thing, I know. Simply make the change once and then do a copy down the column, right? That's not the point. It's simply the realization that it's not 2006 anymore and I can't just go on auto pilot anymore. Can you even imagine, me, having to actually commit my brain to doing my job? I know, the nerve!
Lesson to self, apparently we don't like change!
I told you it was a dumb thing but it's the thing that I felt like talking about today!
Hope you're being more successful with the transition than me!
For instance, at work. I'm sitting there, getting in my groove, filling in information on my spreadsheets when suddenly it occurs to me that for the last 50 odd lines I've been entering the date as 01/03/06. Not a big thing, I know. Simply make the change once and then do a copy down the column, right? That's not the point. It's simply the realization that it's not 2006 anymore and I can't just go on auto pilot anymore. Can you even imagine, me, having to actually commit my brain to doing my job? I know, the nerve!
Lesson to self, apparently we don't like change!
I told you it was a dumb thing but it's the thing that I felt like talking about today!
Hope you're being more successful with the transition than me!
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