The worst day of my life

In the 30 years that I've been alive for, a lot has happened. There have been a lot of really wonderful days (the day I met Ben, the day I married Ben, the day I found out I was pregnant with Alex, and of course the day I first held him in my arms.) There have also been a good supply of the days that I never want to relive again - some of them were terrible days (Ben losing his job at a really bad time in our life) and some of them were life altering - December 10, 2004 - the day we lost my mom. However, none of those days can compare to yesterday. Yesterday was truly the most heart wrenching and painful day that I have ever lived through.

As you all know, we found out before Christmas that we would be welcoming baby number 2 into the McAlister family in 2007. Although I was happy (I really wanted to be pregnant again,) there was this little nagging feeling in the back of my head that was telling me that I shouldn't get overly excited about this baby - that something was wrong. I wish my intuition would work on all aspects of my life because yesterday I lived through the most emotionally and physically exhausting life experience that I would never wish on anyone. Yesterday, I lost my baby.

I started spotting on Tuesday at work - after being home all day Monday because I just wasn't feeling well. I left work early and went straight to the clinic. Tuesday ironically was Alex's 2nd birthday. On Wednesday I went to my ultrasound appt in the morning where I learned that the pregnancy was still viable, but it was "borderline" - the technician's term, not mine. She said that the next few weeks would really be crucial and that I should be off of my feet as much as possible with as little stress as possible. She also told me that although by my calculations I was just a little over 11 weeks, that the fetus was measuring 9 weeks. That made me worried. It made me more worried though that when she was trying to find the heartbeat, she had to make me hold my breath so she could detect it.

I left the office feeling better because at least I knew there was a chance that this baby could survive, but feeling more convinced than ever that this wasn't meant to be. I spent the next 2 days on the couch, not being able to pick up Alex or do much more than go to the bathroom without getting yelled at by someone.

During my hours on the couch I kept thinking, was there anything I could have done - or not done, that would have made my baby healthier? Is there something I'm doing now that I shouldn't be - or that I could be doing to make sure that I go full term with this pregnancy? What I realized though is that in general, I'm a healthy person. I don't smoke, I barely drink and I do exercise - usually on a regular basis! This wasn't my fault - and the final decision wasn't up to me - it's completely and totally out of my hands.

Sadly, yesterday morning I woke to dull cramps (very reminiscent of going into labour) and more spotting. By 7:30 last night, I was experiencing more pain that I thought was possible and I was without drugs. Luckily for me, I still had some Tylenol 3s in the cabinet from a previous surgery - although by 1:00 am this morning they weren't even touching the pain for me - I really wish I'd been prepared for this pain. I'm not sure that having a baby really prepares you for it, because instead of it being pain with a purpose - and a happy purpose at that, it's gut wrenching, emotionally and physically exhausting pain that leaves you feeling so empty and so helpless - and there isn't a goddamn thing that you can do about it.

I know that I'm not the first person to go through this experience, and as a matter of fact I know that I'm not the only person dealing with this trauma right now, but I can honestly tell you that I've never felt this much loss and pain all in the span of 24 hrs. I truly, truly wish that no one I know - both liked and not - ever have to experience this.